Should I Date Monogamous Women?
It almost seems like a rite of passage for men, generally in the early stages of opening their relationship or exploring nonmonogamy: You see this incredible profile. She’s beautiful. She’s funny. She’s got the cutest French bulldog. And she’s monogamous.
Most often, this being of perfection and light is not interested in partnered men, and nothing ever comes of it. Oh well. Every once in a while, though, she opts to match with you. Usually that’s for one of two reasons:
You are in every other way exactly what she’s looking for, and she figures “Sure, I’ll give that a try.”
She is freshly heartbroken and in a “fuck it/why not?” phase of dating.
So, should you date this woman? You’ve been having little to no luck, and any excuse to get out of the house seems worth a shot, right?
I’m not going to tell you not to meet this person, and I’m not even going to tell you not to go out with her more than once or warn you off of falling in love with her. I am going to tell you that I’ve heard this story a lot of times, and it generally ends in one of two heartbreaks:
She meets someone she wants to be monogamous with and ends things with you to be with that guy.
She falls for you and then can’t deal with the fact that you aren’t single, so she (hopefully) bows out gracefully or (occasionally, unfortunately) gives you an “it’s me or [your existing partner]” ultimatum, and you have to end it.
I am a firm believer that we have a lot of control over how we feel (this is something I am happy to coach you on if you are interested!), and that even in heartbreak, we needn’t feel despair or regret. Knowing that I can be content with my own decisions regardless of the outcome, my advice is generally “When given a choice between two paths [in this case to date or not to date the monogamous woman], choose the one that sounds more fun, because even if it ends, and ends painfully, you can find a path to feeling OK about it.”
That sounds like I’m telling you to absolutely date the monogamous person, which is not true. I’m telling you to follow your heart, but with your eyes wide open. It is pretty rare (but not impossible!) that a freshly heartbroken woman is going to become the next great love (or great like) of your life. It’s less rare (but still pretty rare) that someone who has never considered nonmonogamy is going to fall seamlessly into your life as your friend with benefits, side piece, girlfriend, second wife, or whatever else you’re looking for.
When all is said and done, the venture you’re embarking on is likely to involve some amount of heartbreak, but I believe you will make it out the other side a more interesting and beautiful (scars are sexy!) person, so take a deep breath and make the choice that feels good and right for you.