ENM Dating Profile Pitfall #2: The Curse of the “We”

If you’re here, you are likely part of a couple, and especially if you’ve been partnered for a long time, you are probably very accustomed to referring to yourself as a “we” or an “us” a lot of the time.

Coworker: How was your weekend?
You: Amazing! We went to the ren faire and ate giant turkey legs.

Your mom: What time are you arriving for dinner?
You: We’ll be there around 7 p.m.

Your rideshare driver: Is this the place?
You: Yes, please drop us off right here at the corner.

These interactions sound mundane because they are. A lengthy history of having about a million of them a week is a big reason why men who are back on dating apps (or on them for the first time) after opening up their relationships fall into the “Curse of the ‘We’” — where every third sentence in your profile describes you as part of a unit:

“My wife and I spend a lot of time debating the merits of horror versus sci fi when we sit down for movie night.”

“We live on a homestead with 12 chickens and three feral hogs who visit about once a month.”

“You can find us at the farmer’s market every weekend.”

One or two of these in a long profile is probably not going to be a big issue, but if you talk about yourself as a “we/us” rather than an “I/me” more than about 25% of the time, the impression you are giving is:

• You are hoping the person you are looking for will date both of you (more on the troubles with “unicorn hunting” in a later post). Many women are on high alert for profiles that don’t outright say "we only want to date as a couple” but heavily imply it. This is a good way to imply it.

• You don’t have much of an identity outside of your current relationship. At a minimum, this might make you a bit of a one-note conversationalist. At worst, it might make you a bit of a one-note human.

You may think that a lot of “we” is a great way to make sure the people on your dating apps know you’re part of a couple, and that’s true! And I’m absolutely not suggesting that you hide your relationship status! (Au contraire, mon frere; I feel strongly that you should be sharing that from jump.) You’re looking for a balance here, between a profile that makes clear your relationship status without making it seem like the only thing of interest about you.

Want fresh eyes on your I/we and me/us ratios? Hit me up.