Dating Terms Glossary Part 1: Nonmonogamy Lingo
When you enter the dating scene after years or decades away, the lingo can be daunting. When that dating scene is the nonmonogamous dating scene, it’s even worse. LORDY we love our terms. I’m going to define some of the most common terms and acronyms you’ll see on apps in a series of posts, starting here with ENM-specific terminology that will help you convey your meaning accurately and also understand what the heck others are saying.
Note that I am largely self-taught where definitions are concerned, which makes it hard to cite my sources or show my work. I’ll end with some links to sites where you can learn more from the folks who know what the heck they’re talking about.
This post will be a work in progress! Please comment or shoot me an email if you come across a term you’d like defined.
Common Nonmonogamy/Polyamory Terminology
As nonmonogamy has become more common, many terms have taken on a life of their own. I cannot guarantee that the way I understand them is the way your friend, aunt, therapist, or dating prospect uses them. When in doubt, ask!
Ethical/consensual nonmonogamy (ENM/CNM): The practice of, or openness to, engaging in loving, sexual, or intimate relationships with more than one person. I think of this as an umbrella term for a range of relationship structures that are “other than monogamous.”
Open relationship: A type of ENM where the general expectation is that there will be sex outside of a primary relationship, but probably not romantic love. This could include one-time encounters or ongoing FWB (friends with benefits).
Swinging: An open relationship where generally the couple engages with other partners as a unit, rather than dating independently. This can include two couples having sex all together, with some amount of partner swapping, or it can mean that the couples swap partners and play separately. It can also involve going to larger group events.
Polyamory: A type of ENM where there is openness to romantic feelings building between any two partners.
Solo poly/solo polyamory: The practice of ENM while maintaining an outwardly “single” lifestyle. Generally people practicing solo poly will not have a nesting or anchor/primary partner, and they will eschew relationship hierarchies. A lot of solo poly people I’ve met identify themselves or their pets as “primary,” or have platonic life partners instead of romantic ones. Note: Some poly people use “solo poly” to mean “I am dating separately from my spouse/primary/nesting partner.” When in doubt, ask!
Relationship anarchy: It’s like regular anarchy, but in your relationships! These folks eschew rules and structure in their romantic and platonic relationships, instead preferring to foster connections that respect autonomy and allow for/encourage outside-the-box structures.
Don’t ask, don’t tell/DADT: Also sometimes known as a “hall pass,” this is when someone has their partner’s blessing to have sex outside the relationship, but they don’t want to know anything about it. Some people will impose restrictions on this, like “only during your annual boys’/girls’ weekend” or “only at your bachelor party” or “only when you’re more than 100 miles from home.”
Anchor partner: The person who serves as a main focus of an ENM person’s relationships. Sometimes people live with their anchor partners, sometimes they don’t. Can often be used interchangeably with “primary partner,” but is preferred by those who don’t like hierarchical language or structures.
Nesting partner/NP: A partner you cohabitate with.
Metamour: Two people who have the same romantic partner. For example, your wife’s boyfriend is your metamour.
Hinge: When two people are dating the same person, that person is the hinge. For example, if your wife has a boyfriend, she is the hinge between you and him. Note, Hinge is also a dating app. I’m assuming that’s a coincidence!
Comet: A partner who only comes around once in a while, generally because of geographic limitations.
Unicorn: Named for their relative rarity, a unicorn is a bisexual person (almost always used to mean a woman, but I think it could be either, technically) who is down to be part of a threesome with a male/female couple. The act of seeking out this person on an app is called “unicorn hunting,” and I have strong feelings about the ethics of this behavior. More on that soon.
Polycule: The group/configurations of people you associate with as part of your nonmonogamy. This could be yourself, your spouse, their boyfriend, and your girlfriend, or really any other assortment of folks who are connected through intimate relationships. My current polycule, for example, could be defined as including my long-distance partner, his local partner, her platonic life partner, my platonic life partner, and their assortment of platonic and romantic partners. Or you could just say it’s me, my romantic partner, his romantic partner, and my platonic life partner. Polycules are like amorphous blobs sometimes, so just go with it.
Kitchen table polyamory/KTP: The idea that people within a polycule/ENM system get along well enough that you could sit around the kitchen table and have a fun, non-awkward time. For example, my partner, his partner and I hang out together on occasion and attend social events together. That’s KTP. For some, it can go as far as traveling together, celebrating holidays together, etc., but the main goal of KTP is “we are all pretty cool and chill with each other.”
Parallel polyamory: Kind of the opposite of KTP, this means that two people dating the same person don’t really interact or share space in a meaningful way. There may not be active avoidance (or maybe there is!), but there’s very minimal contact.
Compersion: Kind of the opposite of jealousy, this is the feeling of joy you experience at seeing your partner happy in their other relationship(s). This is NOT a requirement of nonmonogamy! It helps if you can find some chill (and I can help you do that!), but feeling a little queasy or just generally “meh” about your partner’s latest dating triumph is completely fine.
And some acronyms it’ll help to know:
LTR: Long-term relationship
LDR: Long-distance relationship
NRE: New relationship energy (that intoxicating [or nauseating, depending on the person] OMG SQUEEEEE feeling some people have when they start dating someone new)
ERE: Established relationship energy, the opposite of NRE
Resources
Here are some websites from folks smarter than I am!